“Dear Lord, this year we gather around a dead, frozen, and recooked bird, surrounded by family members we barely tolerate, to thank you for the single most important thing in our country: the fact that Raitzeno did not cook this dinner for us.” OH WAIT, YES I FUCKING DID. Now what do you have to be thankful for? Nothing!
That’s right, Cooking With Raitzeno is back with a Thankstaking Special. Thanksgiving is a nice, family-friendly holiday. Thankstaking is the opposite, a day in which we cry and scream, curse the world, and wish we’d never been born. This is because I have returned with horrific new “cooking”:
SO! Who remembers our old “friend” the ramen cooker? You know, that horrible black-hearted enabler for motherfuckers who can’t even boil water?
Yeah, that bastard. Well guess what? It’s family reunion time over at Raitzeno’s House of Culinary Horrors, and his evil big brother is on the scene! Everybody give a warm welcome to...
The mac’n’cheese cooker! That’s right, some chucklefuck decided the microwave ramen cooker was not only a good idea but worth making a larger version for the second-shittiest packaged foodstuff on the planet! I also wanna point out that the directions on both are printed on the INSIDE. They didn’t learn from their mistakes the first time. If that sounds familiar, it’s because clearly neither did you, since you’re still here reading this.
Structural bungling aside, I figured this abomination was similar enough to the ramen cooker that I’d need something more in order to make a new article about it. Something cheap, of course, because fuck spending money on cooking for the entertainment of others, but also something different. Something more... sinister. So I went back to Wal-Mart, because where else do you go for things to offend every god that’s ever died? And boy, did I ever hit the crap jackpot.
Normally, when making cheap-ass mac’n’cheese, the default option is Kraft, according to the demonic advertisement overlords who own every facet of the internet. It just so happens that some time since the last time I have bothered looking at it, Kraft has come up with something new. And not just ONE something...
Oh, yeah. That’s right. Not one, not two, but THREE new ways to shove alchemic death-cocktails down your gullet as you cry alone in the dark. This article is going to be half Cooking With Raitzeno and half unholy defilement of the Snacktaku concept. I have made all three versions over the past two weeks – I needed time to recover in between, after all – and I will be going over all of them here.
The best part is, the recipe listed inside the plastic shitpile cooker conflicts with the recipe on the horrendous poisonboxes, so you get to follow my vomit-inducing journey through FAILED ATTEMPTS at a Cooking With Raitzeno recipe. Hooray!
So the whole process works similarly to the microwave ramen cooker, but it’s different enough that it warrants its own recipe process. This is not only because you are a fucking idiot that needs to be babied even through the laziest of cooking methods, but also because once you start, you cannot check the directions again, since they are printed on the INSIDE of the bottom of the bowl. The minute you have stuff in there, you’ve passed the point of no return.
Step 1: Go grab the Great Blue Devil. I mean, get yourself a mac’n’cheese cooker.
Step 2: Choose your poison, and open the Krap box. Remove the flavor packet. Ignore the ticking sound it makes.
Step 3: Pour what passes for noodles from the box into the cooker. Fill it with water up to the fill line.
Step 4: Throw it in the nuclearator for 2:30. Consider how many non-terrible things you could make during that time. Cry a little.
Step 5: Take it out of the microwave. Use the handles on the side so you don’t burn your hands, idjit. Unless you’d like to think of that as your penance for sinning against the kitchen gods. Stir it the fuck up.
Step 6: Put it back in the microwave for 2:00. Go back to your depressing, nihilist contemplation of everything you’ve done wrong up until this point. Get ready to do some more.
Step 7: Take that shit outta the microwave. Add the things the box calls for (¼ cup milk, 2 tbsp margarine, flavor packet).
Step 8: Stir it all up until you cannot see a chunk of margarine. Then keep stirring, because I don’t fucking trust you to have actually stirred it enough, you lazy motherfucker. I SAID KEEP STIRRING. … Yeah okay, that should be better.
Step 9: Eat and cry. Cry and eat. Cry, eat, cry. Any of these options are acceptable, really, given that you’ve allowed yourself to reach this point. In my case, the first box I made was the chipotle one. This was a horrible mistake, because it is actually the best-tasting of the three, meaning it’s all downhill from here.
BUT WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? The sauce is runny, to the point you may as well call it soup! What could have gone wrong?
It’s edible, for a given definition of the word, but you’ve clearly fucked up. Not that this comes as a surprise to you, or to anyone that’s ever known you, but there you have it.
Oh right, the directions on the cooker’s packaging specifically state not to drain the noodles before adding the milk+margarine+packet.
Step 10: Cry some more. Take a week off from cooking. Maybe you’ll recover some sanity. Maybe not.
LET’S TRY AND FIX THIS.
Step 7B: Take that shit outta the microwave. Drain the fucking water off. What do you mean the cooker told you not to? The cooker is a lying bitch. Didn’t we already cover that? God damn.
Step 8B: Okay, NOW you can add the shit the box calls for. This time, we’re doing the buffalo cheddar.
Step 9B: Stir it up. Again. AGAIN. AGAIN. STIR UNTIL YOU DIE, YOU LITTLE okay, that’s good.
Step 10B: Force it down. I don’t wanna hear your pathetic excuses. You knew what you were getting into.
What do you mean the noodles aren’t fully cooked? That’s fucking bullshit, you whiner. Shut up and eat your— wait.
Son of a bitch. Okay, I really honestly don’t fucking know why the buffalo cheddar version did this, but I have a couple theories. One is that perhaps I filled the water slightly below the fill line. The other is that I used the fucking microwave immediately after someone else, so maybe it was already hot in there. Either way, when I went to stir it at the 2:30 mark, a bunch of the water had boiled over, so it didn’t cook the noodles all the way through.
It didn’t fucking matter either way, cause the buffalo cheddar sauce was awful. But I’ll get back to that in a minute.
MOTHERFUCKING ATTEMPT #3.
Step 3C: Make sure the water is RIGHT AT THE FUCKING FILL LINE. Set the bastard down on a level countertop, cause you’re never gonna be sure about it if you’re holding it in your hands under the faucet. If you’ve got too much, pour a little out (for its homies, batches #1 and #2). If there’s too little, add some more. THIS SHOULDN’T BE THAT HARD FOR YOU.
Step 7C: Same as Step 7B; make sure you do, in fact, drain the damn water. Holy hell, whoever wrote the directions on the cooker needs to be shot.
Step 8C: Add the other ingredients. Again. Try and distract yourself from the fact that you’ve already failed at cooking GODDAMNED MACARONI AND CHEESE TWICE.
Step 9C: Stir that shit up. Congratulations, you’re a low-level shit-stirrer. This may be a step up for you.
Step 10C: Cry. Eat. Cry. Yeah, I think that order works best after all. Consider that you should have saved the best flavor for when you’d actually worked all the kinks out of the cooking process, doofus. Holy hell you suck.
SO! Let’s go over the flavors themselves.
#1 - Chipotle: Hot damn. This chipotle flavor is REALLY FUCKING CHIPOTLE. I nearly fainted when I opened the fucking packet. This is a good thing. It’s by far the most flavorful of the bunch. By which I mean it sucks the least.
#2 - Italian: This one was... okay. Actual Italians should feel offended that it’s been called this, but then, anyone reading this article should have been far more offended by now. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a flavor called “Italian Herbs & Alfredo”. It doesn’t do anything special but it doesn’t screw the pooch either. Speaking of which...
#3 - Buffalo: God damn this one is shitty. They used that ultra-generic, hyper-tangy buffalo spice that the shittiest bars and restaurants use if you make the mistake of asking for chicken “buffalo-style” there. There’s place that have really fucking good buffalo sauces, and there’s places with rat shit pureed with orange dye. This is a Ratshit Buffalo flavor. It’s unsalvageable even if by some miracle you don’t fuck up the recipe.
And speaking of miracles, there’s a good chance you’ll get the exact opposite of one before the year is done. I have been given permission to defile a food processor, a cooking tool I have never touched before. So look forward (?) to that...