I Almost Feel Sorry For Nikumi

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I’d say “welcome” back to Cooking with Raitzeno, but let’s be honest: neither of us really wants to be here. And by here, I mean in this godforsaken, empty existence. The fact you’re here reading a third installment of this series means that not only is God dead, his corpse was poorly cooked and nearly unpalatable.

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For today’s disgusting pile of mostly chemical foodstuffs, I’m making a dish that’s 173% more phallic than the previous recipes. Yes, you read that right. You knew you were gonna get shafted the moment you clicked through to this article, so don’t even try to act surprised. When I am done with you, you’re going to stuff a big ol’ stick of meat in your mouth that’s dripping with disgusting white and yellow melty half-liquids. Possibly red, if that’s your thing.

Step 1: Get a microwave-safe plate. Slap a tortilla on it. (I usually go with the medium-size ones. Not too big for your mouth, not so small you don’t even know it’s in there.) Apologize to the tortilla’s family for the indignation you’re about to inflict upon it.

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Side note: This is also the starting point for a number of recipes that are NOT intended to rape your throat and/or stomach. You still have time to switch. You might also consider eating a bullet instead.

Step 2: Why are you still here? Alright, fine, but now it’s consensual. Spread shredded cheese over half the tortilla. Leave the other half clean. Unlike your conscience.

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I usually use a mix of cheese bags for this one; cheddar, mozzarella, jack, whatever. Taco blend, italian, andother pre-mixed cheese bags are also options if you’re a lazy motherfucker. (Who’s got two thumbs and is lazy? Not you, jackass, cause I’ll cut your thumbs off.)

Optional Step 2.5: If you hate yourself and/or want to earn your red wings, splatter some hot sauce here. If you like your phallic dishes extra meaty, you can also stack some pepperoni on there. Some people only have mini pepperonis on hand. That’s okay. It happens to lots of guys. I’ll be over here trying not to laugh at you, and failing.

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Step 3: Grab a big ol’ phallic hot dog from the fridge. Slit it down the middle. (This is important. We don’t want it exploding while we’re still warming it up.) Cringe a little as you realize the symbolism of slicing into that little bastard.

Step 4: Drop the hotdog onto the cheesy side of the tortilla. Shove the whole thing in the microwave for about a minute plus change; I usually do anywhere from 1:15 to 1:30. You might give it a little extra time if the cheese hasn’t melted at the end. You want it mostly runny but slightly gooey, just like your daddy used to make (you).

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Before:

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After:

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Step 5: Take the plate outta the microwave. Grab the edge of the tortilla on the cheesy side, roll it over the hot dog, and proceed to roll the entire thing up into a tube. It might dribble out the sides a little. That’s okay. You did that too when you were its age. (The ‘clean’ half of the tortilla will be on the outside, and is the reason that side is clean at all; it makes it easier to wrap the whole thing up correctly.)

Rolling your meat:

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Optional Step 5.5: Stab a toothpick or plastic fork through the middle of your warm, throbbing ..... hotdog roll. This is not strictly necessary, but I like to have something in there to ensure it doesn’t pop out until I am done chewing my way down it. Maybe you want it to just burst free of its skin the instant your teeth hit it. I dunno what your fetish is.

Stabbing your meat:

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Step 6: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, chew it. If it’s the first one you’ve had, it might taste a little funny. This is normal. Don’t take your mouth off it to ask stupid questions about it. Keep on gobbling that shit. You should have known how this was gonna play out.

Optional Step 6.5: Take pictures of yourself eating it. Bonus points if it’s dripping goo. I take no responsibility. ...I mean, I take no responsibility if you post them here. ...Not that I’d take responsibility anyway, I guess. FUCK YOU.

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‘Delicious’ cheese abortion:

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One final note to give you nightmares for the next few weeks: This being a meat dish means, in the show, Souma would be serving this to Nikumi, and probably several other people of both genders. And then getting several pages of suggestive reaction shots. You cannot unsee this.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

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