Roses are red, daisies are yellow, why are you still reading Cooking With Raitzeno? (FUCK YOU, IT’S CLOSE ENOUGH TO RHYMING. CWR is all about “eh, close enough.”)

Tonight, I bring you the usual pain and suffering associated with my recipes, only this time with a dash of abject failure. For the first time, one of my recipe ideas has turned out to be a disaster in a way I didn’t intend. It turns out I can’t even make myself a goddamned dessert to take the edge off my complete and apparently permanent lack of a love life, and so I am going to parade it around so that at least we can all hopefully get some laughs out of it. (/sob)

There’s a story behind this recipe, and it’s fucking stupid (as you should expect by now). Turns out there’s this new flavor of M&M’s out for Valentine’s Day. They are White Cheesecake, and there’s no chocolate inside the candy shell; it’s kinda like they just shoved (imitation) cheesecake in the usual candy shell and went BRILLIANT like the world’s most depressingly sober Guinness commercial. They’re actually fairly tasty, so of course I set out to ruin them.

How would I go about this? Simple! OVERKILL. I set out to entomb them in equally fake cheesecake. So I figured, let’s encase them in dessert shells, float them in cheesecake innards like fruit in elementary school jello, can’t be that hard right? Turns out, dessert shells are somehow OUT OF FUCKING SEASON. I went to THREE grocery stores looking for them, then in the true spirit of Cooking With Raitzeno, I gave up. Instead, I grabbed some ready-made mini pie crusts (which turned out to be my undoing).

So without further ado, here’s our list of eligible bachelo...r...ette..s? What’s the gender-neutral term for that? Since these are inanimate objects…


1) Start off with some of the pie crusts on the plate. Three is a good amount. (Zero would be better.)

2) Spread frosting along the bottom of it. This will serve as… err, glue, for lack of a better term. (Trying to distribute the M&Ms evenly within the cheesecake filling is probably more trouble than it’s worth.)


3) Stick a few Cheesecake M&M’s at the bottom.

4) CHEEEEEEEESECAAAAAAAAAAAKE. Just spoon that shit in there.


5) Spread that shit around. You can see two of the “treats” above in this state already, here’s a shot with all three. Love is all about selfies right?

6) Now we put the chocolate shell syrup on top. This stuff is supposed to be put on ice cream, where it will more or less immediately harden into a thin, crispy chocolate shell. Instead, we’re putting it on this pile of crap, so it looks like a covering of liquid shit.


7) Stick it in the fridge, next to the hearts of your exes. (Don’t tip those! You worked so hard to collect them!)

8) Wait an hour or two. Maybe watch a romantic movie, or maybe just cry in the shower while hugging your knees. Your call.


9) Take the completed monstrosity out of the fridge.

10) Optional step: Decorate the top. (This is entirely too much work for CWR.) Consider lovingly writing teasing and flirty phrases on top, such as “Please Explode”, “Fuck Off”, and “Forever Alone”. This can be done with frosting, which ideally will stick to the now-hardened shell, or by painting a thin layer of frosting over the top and sticking those little candy letters for children’s cakes all over it.

11) Realize that THESE PIE CRUSTS ARE SHIT AND HAVE RUINED THE WHOLE THING ARGH. They’re in that lovely foil outer covering that ready-made pie crusts come in.. The problem is that they have basically no structural integrity of their own and only retain their shape because of the foil. Trying to remove an “empty” pie shell from it makes it crumble into a million pieces. Luckily, the chocolate shell keeps it together just enough in conjunction with the foil to be able to eat the whole thing with a spoon, but I was really hoping to be able to just chomp into it. If I had access to FUCKING DESSERT SHELLS this might have worked.


12) For now, the spoon will have to do. There can only really be one name for a “dish” this disappointing with these ingredients. “Enjoy” your spoonfuls of DOUBLE CHEESECAKE HEARTBREAK.


HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY, and for heaven’s sake, if you have a significant other, do NOT make this as your only gift to them. If you do, we may have to celebrate S.A.D. (isn’t that a wonderfully appropriate acronym?) together next year.