Welcome back to (a NEWLY UPDATED, see bottom of article) Cooking With Raitzeno, where God is dead of food poisoning, Cthulhu is vomiting in the bathroom, and the Buddha is glad to be fasting. Today I’ve only got a small morsel of suffering to inflict on you, but it’s going to be made deliciously worse by knowing what I’m defiling to make it.

Some of you may remember our dearly departed old friend, the tub of ready-made cheesecake filling, may its soul rest in the stomach of a more worthy chef. Well today I’m practicing necrophilia necrovore necromancy to bring it back from the dead in a vile, twisted mockery of its former life! But that’s not even the worst part.

My mother, who in an astoundingly skillful chef and baker, has been producing HOMEMADE TRUFFLES as a thank-you gift for my sister’s friends, who’ve done her some solid favors recently with some medical troubles. (She’s fine, for now, since I’m several states away and cannot feed her.) She’s apparently using copious amounts of heavy cream, melted chocolate, and butter as the base for the truffles. She’s also sent a bag each of Reese’s Pieces, mini peanut butter cups, and Oreos to Davy Jones’ Blender as punishment for their sins (namely, Felony Deliciousness and Waistline Endangerment). She has each of these ingredients in a bowl out on the kitchen table, as she’s in between batches.

I have taken it upon myself to defile the Oreo crumbs bowl for this particular concoction. (After asking permission, and with an otherwise-untouched plastic spoon; turning my own food into horrific abominations doesn’t require spoiling actual, amazing treats! Usually.) So what godawful thing am I going to do now?

Actually this is really fucking lazy for all that build-up, isn’t it? I’ve spooned out some cheesecake filling in a bowl, spooned out some Oreo crumbs on top of it, and have called it an Oreo Cheesecake, primarily as blasphemy for its own sake. Not my best work, I know, but it’ll have to do... until I remember what I did with the pictures and “recipe” for the other CWR I created a while back and didn’t post.

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Bring some antacid and possibly a bottle of Ipecac for next time.

Love, “Chef” Raitzeno

EDIT: Today I made ‘peanut butter cheesecake’ in a similarly lazy fashion, by sticking some of the leftover Reese’s Pieces and mini peanut butter cups in some more cheesecake filling. This is now Cheesecake With Raitzeno.

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SPECIAL NOTE: If you’re cooking along with us at home, remember that many packages of mini peanut butter cups are wrapped in foil AND have a cupcake-like paper wrapper around the bottom of the thing. You want to remove both of these before eating, you fucking moron.